Bird Watcher's General Store

Our Current Door Sign



It's tradition here to keep a sign hung outside the door expressing our views on current issues or just our deep profound thoughts. People drive by or stop by just to read it, so we thought we should share it with the rest of the world.

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Did you forget what kind of bird seed you use?
Don't worry, the Government has already told us.


PAST SIGNS


       

Warning. Anyone who complains about our prices will be subject to an audit by the IRS

Spring Allergies Special: Free tissue with every purchase. Only used once.

Notice: If you see white smoke coming from this building, call 911.

Notice: Mike will not be here tomorrow. He is going to Rome to interview for a job opening.

Today's Special. Buy a bird feeder and get a bagful of Lance Larmstrong Tour deFrance Medals.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, the end of the world sale has been cancelled. Blame the Mayans.

Christmas Special: Free Prize for Anyone named Holly, Noel or Egg Nog

Notice: There is now a 10% surchrge for anyone named Heath Cliff, Jimmy Cliff or Fiscal Cliff

Endangered species: Ivory billed Woodpecker, California Condor, Hostess Twinkee

Notice. Due to the storm, there will be a billion dollar surcharge for anyone named Sandy.

Halloween Special. Free Prize for Anyone With a Scary Face.

Caution. We've hired NFL replacement cashiers so count your change

End of Summer Special. Buy a bird feeder and get a gree bag full of Red Sox playoff tickets.

End of Summer Special. Free Picture of Prince Harry. Adults Only.

Olympic medal update. Team Russia 7 Gold Medals. Team China 28 Gold Medals. Team USA 31 Gold Medals. Team Squirrel 5847 Gold Medals.

Today's Inventory. Squirrel Proof Feeders In Stock, Raccoon Proof Feeders In Stock, Shark Proof Feeders Out of Stock.

Notice: We accept checks and credit cards from everyone except J.P.Morgan and Curt Schilling.

Due to problems with the Feds we no longer sell bird seed in nickel bags.

Today's Special. Buy a feeder and get a free ride on the roof of Mitt Romney's car.

Notice: We do not accept PAC money or Super PAC money. Just kidding. We will take anything. Even Green Stamps

Come on in. Feel free to talk about anything except religion, cats, or the Patriots.

To support the Patriots we will not serve Paul Bunyan, Big Foot, Goliath or any other Giants this week.

In Honor of the year 2012, Free Prized for All Mayans!

Notice: Entering may expose you to all kinds of nuts (and weirdos).

Notice: Wall Street billionaires not welcome here. Unless they buy a lot.

Today's Special: Free Heimlich for all choking Red Sox Players.

Notice: Free Prize for anyone hit by a falling NASA satellite.

Notice: Starting today anyone named Irene will be assessed a 20% surcharge.

Due to the earthquake, the hurricane has been postponed until next week.

Congress just called. Your personal debt ceiling has been raised. Feel free to come in and spend as much as you want.

We are Cape Cod's official recycling center. Drop off your old $5, $10 and $20 bills and we will recycle them at no charge.

4th of July Special. Free prize for anyone wearing red, white and blue underwear.

Notice: We have reached our daily limit on hearing Anthony Wiener jokes. Please try again tomorrow. Get here early.

Store Rules. No cell phones, no texting, but tweeting is totally fine.
 

The hummingbirds are back! But before you feed them, ask for their birth certificate.

Shhh! Please be quiet. We don't want to wak up the air traffic controllers or the Vice President.

Free Delivery. We now offer free delivery right to your door.*
*The door must be on your car and the car must be in our parking lot.

Bird Question of the Day: Which is whackier: a. Loon b. Cuckoo c. Charlie Sheen

Notice: We have no GaGa in our eggs. Please stop asking.

Due to the cold weather, please do not put your tongue on the door hangle.

All of today's proceeds will be donated to help the families of the dead birds in Arkansas.

Our new solar panels are finally working. Come in for a free complimentary shock.

Free prize for anyone who has been nice. Two prizes for anyone who has been naughty.

To help speed up security, please frisk yourself before entering.

Celebrate our new solar panels. Come in for 2 free minutes of electricity. Offer void on cloudy days or during an eclipse.
Halloween Special, Free Treat For All Scary Looking People.
Notice: Due to a new state law, all birds are prohibited from texting while migrating through MA.
Notice: All of our bird houses are now available without bed bugs. Only $2.00 extra.

Notice: For your hurricane safety we have fired all employees named Earl.

In Honor of Shark Week Free Prize to All Lawyers.

Notice: Due to the Heat Wave, all Hotties must ask permission before entering.

Notice: We no longer buy our black oil sunflower seed from British Petroleum. That will show them.

Notice: All Birds Migrating Through Arizona Must Show I.D. Before Eating At Our Feeders.

Come on in. We are now in 3D.

Try Our New Health Plan: Includes Free Weekly Wallet Exam.

Attention Toyota Drivers, Need Seed? Roll Down Your Window, we’ll toss your seed in as you speed by!

Notice: Starting Today We No Longer Allow: Smoking, Bare Feet or Exploding Underwear.

Notice: Store security provided by Tiger Woods' wife and a golf club.

Today's Special. Free valet parking. Ask for our new driver Tiger Woods.

The Countdown is on: Only one week until Free Hatful of Potatoes day!

Shh..Please be quitet. There are North West pilots sleeping in the back.

Today's Special. Free Insincere Compliments.

You can relax, our birdbaths are 100% shark free.

We are now the official bird shop of the Obamas*. *Todd and Sally Obama from Newark.

Come in and shop in safety. We have been Death Panel free since 1983.

Notice: We are NOT participating in the "cash for clunkers" program. However, we have plenty of clunkeers if you have the cash.

Today's helpful hint: Have a squirrel problem? Invite them in for a beer. Squirrels must be 21.

Summer Sweepstakes, Enter to win a free trip to Argentina with the Governor of South Caroline

Today's Special, Buy a bird feeder and get a free Chrysler dealership.

Notice: Due to the swine flu situation, anyone with a curly tail must wait outside.

Come in and shop in safety. We have been pirate free since 1983

Notice: All of today's proceeds will be donated to the starving executives at AIG.

Due to the economic slow down, the give a penny take a penny cup has been changed to give us a penny.

Notice: All of today's proceeds will be used to send peanut butter to Bernie Madoff

Today's Special: Spend over $100 and we'll set you up to become the next senator of Illinois.
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Notice: In order to be supportive during these hard times, we are selling all but two of our corporate jets.
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Post Election Special: 50% off all Lyndon Larouche coffee mugs while they last.
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Halloween Special.  Free prize for anyone with a scary looking face.
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Come on in - meet our new stock boys. Ask for one of the Lehman brothers.
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The birds are hungry, buy lost of seed.**We're bird watchers and we approved this message.
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Note: Due to recent seagull attacks, we no longer recomment using out suet as sunscreen.
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Notice: All shoplifters will be forced to eat a fresh tomato.

Notice: To help with the high price of bird food, we now sell sunflower by the seed. Two seed minimum.

Notice: Due to the high price of gas, free local delivery is now $25,000. We hope you don't mind.

Come in and meet out new employee in charge of truth and honesty. Ask for Roger Clemens.

Don't Even Talk About it.(re: the Pats losing)

Notice: Our polls indicate 90% of us are sick of polls.

No Sign Today.  Writer's Strike

Meet our new stock boy. Come in and ask for Joe Torre.

Notice: Shhh, please talk softly.  The CIA, KGB or Bill Bellichick may be listening.

Out restroom is locked for your protection from U.S. Senators. Please ask for the key.

We sell no poisonous lead painted imported toys. All of our poisonous lead painted toys are made locally.

Just read it.

Notice: Due to a Chinese product recall, we no longer import bird toothpaste. Sorry.

Notice: All of our products are endorsed by Oprah.*
*Oprah Jackson who lives accross the street.

Notice: The hunger strike to free Paris Hilton is scheduled today between Lunch and Dinner time.

Spring Special: Free Scholarships to the Don Imus Charm School. While They Last

Baseball Spring Training Special: Free tobacco drool. While it Lasts.

Notice: The reported sighting of a bald eagle turned out to be Britney Spears.  Sorry for the confusion.

Notice: Spring migration will be delayed because the birds are flying back on Jet Blue.

Due to the cold weather and for your safety, please do not put your tongue on the door handle.  Thank you.

Notice: Due to the cold weather, topless day has been cancelled.

Notice: Secret celebration for the Pats victory out back.

Notice: All returns & exchanges must be accompanied with at least one good sob story.

Santa's List: If you've been good you get a new bird feeder. If you've been naughty you get lunch at Taco Bell.

Remember: This is the season to be thankful. Be thankful you aren't married to Tom Cruise.

Notice: To Save Energy we have replaced out security camera with a sketch artist. Please shoplift slowly.

Today's Special: 1/2 Price on all 2006 Red Sox tickets. While They Last.

Security Notice: All employees ar armed with bags of fresh spinach.  You've been warned.

If you hear tapping on your phone, don't blame the woodpeckers

Try our new Mel Gibson brand bird seed.  Now 100% Kosher.

There is NO Global Warming.  We are only having a group hot flash.

Post 4th of July Special.  1/2 Price Fireworks Used Only Once.  *Some Assembly Required.

Notice: If you are 100% satisfied with our service, you expectations are too high.

Need cheap gas? We have plenty.  That's why we keep the doors open.

Notice: Our bird seed supply is now guarded by squirrels from the United Arab Emirate.

Notice: All shoplifters will be forced to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Intelligent design is NOT discussed in here.  Actually nothing intelligent if ever discussed in here.

Try our new financing plan.  Buy now and pay nothing until you leave the store.

Try our new government-proof bird baths.  No leaks!

Today's Special.
Buy a feeder & automatically qualify for a spot on the Supreme Court.

For Sale:
Used lawnmower: $200. 
Used lawnmower with full tank of gas: $10,200

Parking Rules. Spot #1.Cars with handicapped plates. #2. Cars with dogs. #3.Cars with people who are lost. #4.Cars that have never been washed. #5. Cars with drivers who can't back up. #6.Cars with kids who have ugly parents.

Special* Spend $10,000 and win choice: trip to Hawaii or free gallon of gas (regular only). *This is a joke. We can't afford to give away a gallon of gas.

*Lost? Come on in for free directions. *Accurate directions $2.00

Notice: Due to red tide, we have stopped selling clam flavored birdseed. Sorry for the inconvenience.